i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
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just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
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I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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