saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
