I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
