I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
