Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
