dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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