We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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