ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
