My Higher Power is John Stamos
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
