Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
