so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
