just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
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