Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
