My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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