1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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