I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
