you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
