3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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