Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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