We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
