We're like a lot better than the average bears
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
