so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
