I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I think my moral compass just broke
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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