Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
