mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
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i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
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We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I think my moral compass just broke
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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