Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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