remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Randomize
