i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
