Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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