The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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