Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Also, beer. Big fan.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
