Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
there is puke in my bra ... again
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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