How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
