Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
