I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
