wake up i wanna do it froggy style
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
