For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
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When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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