"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
