I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
