he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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