hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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