so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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