watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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