Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
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I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
The chlamydia really affected his face.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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