found the other keg... it's in the tree
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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