i was born a porn star she said
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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