you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
