I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
