Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
