You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
We talked him into tasing himself.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
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