My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
