If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
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