but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
