Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
