I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
