My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
