Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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