Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
