My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
